In my head...at the moment

So, at this point in my life, there are so many roads I could travel down, I'm just standing at the intersection, looking around, wondering which one to take.

I didn't really think about this until I saw Emilee in Belize. It was so sad to hear her and Michelle talk so much about their great apartment in downtown denver, the rockies games, getting excited for the snow to come, fall is beautiful right now, and they are just livin the 20s life. Then, I think about what my life will be like when I get back. I have my family of course, but for friends, the only ones I care to see are Darcy, Polky, Tim, and Travis, and now I have Amy too. Well, great news, Darcy is moving to Colorado, probably to the mountains, and so is fucking Amy! Therefore, I have no girlfriends at all and all I am going to do is miss them cause they're all in CO having the time of their lives together and I'll just be hearing all about it. Laura will be in Houston, teaching. The reasons for me being back in Texas are financial, for my family, and to attempt to get into PA school here cause it's cheap and close to family. Though at one point I had made a decision to stay in CO cause that is really where I'd like to live and go to PA school, and while I still have residency, I could at least try once to get in. What happened to that plan? I had no money to store my life in CO until I got back from here. So let's see, the first time I apply to PA school, the soonest I would go is in 2 years, so I have 2 years to take classes, work, live. Where do I do that, I might not get in-state tuition anymore at UT or ACC, so to save money, why not take them in CO, but there I have to work more and take less classes, cause I'll have to actually be an adult and pay for rent and all that comes with life. But, will I be happy living in Austin, without many friends, obviously I can make friends in class and I plan on joining a league vball team so that will definatley help but, 2 year at least, then another 3 after that if I get in. I guess I don't care where I go to PA school, but I want to spend my time where I will be happiest and most productive until then. Then there's this other side of me that's like, what the fuck is the rush, why not take the classes slow so I do well, work as a medical assistant for a couple years before I even apply cause that will really help me get in, live where I want, and take things as they come? Why is it I feel like I have to take 4 classes next spring, and work full time, get good grades, take the GRE? Only because I'm in a hurry to get into PA school and make $$$$ Honestly I doubt I get into PA school the first time and probably the second time too, my GPA isn't competitive, I haven't done shit for volunteering and I've only really shadowed one doctor, and the PA once. I have nothing they want, yet. Of course I want to be close to my family cause I've been gone so long, WHY CAN'T YOU ALL JUST GO TO CO! Part of me is used to being away though. Part of me also really misses Austin and swimming and the heat. Part of me knows I was unhappy for a long time in CO due to men and that I needed to get out for a while, but was that just Boulder? Should I sell everything I own and go get my dive master and move to Australia and lead dives and swim with sharks and live in a hut with a thatched roof?